smilepg2

Smile!!- Please

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it. Search steady jobs with real futures.

Not considered a good interview when....

A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.

Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.

Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewers office.

Candidate explained that her long-term goals was to replace the interviewer.

Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.

Balding Candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a headpiece.

Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.

Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.

Candidate brought large dog to interview.

Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.

Candidate dozed off during interview.

The employers were also asked to list the "most unusual" questions that have been asked by job candidates.

"What is it that you people do at this company?"

"What is the company motto?"

"Why aren't you in a more interesting business?"

"What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?"

"Why do you want references?"

"Do I have to dress for the next interview?"

"I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?"

"Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?"

"Will the company pay to relocate my horse?"

"Does your health insurance cover pets?"

"Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?"

Essential additions for the workplace vocabulary

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiney.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located

GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions.

OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake

RE: Quotes Taken from actual performance evaluations:

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

"I would not allow this employee to breed."

"This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

"This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

Interview question-

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An elderly woman who looks very sick.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

You could pick up the elderly woman, because she is in trouble, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his/her answer.
They simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the elderly woman to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the person of my dreams."
Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

Bumper Sticker Humor

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

We have enough youth. How about a Fountain of Smart?

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.

Real Responses to Interview Questions

How do you get along with others?
Real answer: Fine, as long as they stay out of my face.
What you should say: I think the interpersonal dynamics of the workplace can be among the most satisfying aspects of any job.

What does the word success mean to you?
Real answer: It means that I don't have to drag my sorry ass out of bed to kiss yours.
What you should say: Success, for me, would be knowing I am making a difference working with a team of people to make a more profitable enterprise.

A lot of people know how to write a resume and talk their way into an interview. But when they get into the make or break dialogue, they stumble upon tough questions. Below, is some advice on approaching the tough questions that interviewers like to throw at job applicants:

Why did you leave your last job?
Real answer: It sucked.
What you should say: I felt my talents and abilities were underutilized.

What are your biggest weaknesses?
Real answer: I can't concentrate for more than five minutes hate all forms of authority and tend to fall asleep at my desk.
What you should say: I'm a workaholic. I just don't know when to put down my work.

You don't seem to hold on to a job along. Why should we think you’d stay here any longer than you've stayed elsewhere?
Real answer: My employers have always had a hang-up about keeping only competent employees.
What you should say: I'm at a point in my career where I am tired of moving around. I really want to feel part of a team, a long-term enterprise, where I can make a contribution.

How do you handle change?
Real answer: I deal with it everyday, unless I'm out of clean underwear.
What you should say: I think everyone knows that today the only constant is change. I thrive on it.

What does the word failure mean to you?
Real answer: It means I continue to collect unemployment insurance.
What you should say: Failure? I'm sorry; I don't know what you mean. That word is not in my vocabulary.

Do you get along with your current boss?
Real answer: I get along fine, considering what kind of a malicious person he is.
What you should say: I don't think I'd call him a boss; he's been more of a mentor to me.

Do you ever get angry with co-workers?
Real answer: I don't get angry. I get even.
What you should say: Nothing angers me more than to see a co-worker not pulling his weight, goofing off or stealing. Yes, sometimes I do get angry with co-workers.

Can I contact your references?
Real answer: Sure, but they won't know who I am.
What you should say: Some of them are out of the country right now. Maybe I can arrange to have them contact you.

Resume Mistakes

An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

Examples of Typos

Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.

Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse.

I'm a rabid typist.

Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest branch division.

Never made it to medical school

Kunal’s application to medical school was rejected; these are the answers he gave:
Antibody - against everyone
Artery - the study of fine paintings
Bacteria - back door to a cafeteria
Bowel - letters like AEIOU
Cardiology - advanced study of Poker playing
Cat Scan - searching for missing kitty
Coma - punctuation mark
Cortisone - area around local court
Cyst - short for sister
Dislocation - in this place
Duodenum - couple in blue jeans
Enema - not a friend
False Labor - pretending to work
Genes - blue denim
Hymen - greeting to several males
Impotent - well-known
Obesity - City of Obe
Pacemaker - winner of the Nobel Peace Prize
Protein - in favor of teens
Pus - small cat
Secretion - hiding anything
Subcutaneous - not cute enough
Tablet - small table
Urine - opposite of you're out
Varicose - very close

Anagrams

Anagrams are the words made from rearranging the letters in another word. These were particularly clever:

Dormitory: Dirty Room
Evangelist: Evil's Agent
Desperation: A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code: Here Come Dots
Slot Machines: Cash Lost in 'em
A Decimal Point: I'm a Dot in Place
Eleven plus two: Twelve plus one

Keep Smiling...........

I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

A vacuum sales man appeared at the door of an old lady's cottage and, without allowing the woman to speak, rushed into the living room and threw a large bag of dirt all over her clean carpet. He said,"If this new vacuum doesn't pick up every bit of dirt then I'll eat all the dirt."

The woman, who by this time was losing her patience, said, "Sir, if I had enough money to buy that thing, I would have paid my electricity bill before they cut it off. Now, what would you prefer, a spoon or a knife and fork?"

Two shoe salespeople were sent to Africa to open up new markets. Three days after arriving, one salesperson called the office and said, "I'm returning on the next flight. Can't sell shoes here. Everybody goes barefoot."
At the same time the other salesperson sent an email to the factory, telling "The prospects are unlimited. Nobody

wears shoes here!"

Customer gets a topical cream. Direction: apply locally two times a day.
Customer says to the pharmacist: "I can't apply locally, I'm going overseas."

Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.

The only good thing about being imperfect is the joy it brings to others.

I got a job in a work-out-center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

Chemistry is physics without thought.
Mathematics is physics without purpose.

Differences Between You and Your Boss

When you take a long time, you're slow.

When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

When you don't do it, you're lazy.

When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.

When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your
authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.

When your boss does it, he's being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.

When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

When you please your boss, you're apple polishing.

When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.

When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.

When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.

When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked

Resume Bloopers

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:

"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."

"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."

"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."

EMPLOYER'S LINGO:

"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

EMPLOYEE'S LINGO:

"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:"
I've used Microsoft Office.

Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees.

· An applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.

· An applicant wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.

· A candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office.

· An applicant explained that her long-term goal was to replace the interviewer.

· A balding candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a hairpiece.

Some Riddles

How many Psych NPs does it take to change a light bulb?

One, but the light bulb really has to want to change.

Did you hear about the two podiatrists? They were arch rivals.

Success is...

Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get.

Some people are so determined to find blissful happiness that they overlook a lifetime of contentment.

"It had long since come to my attention that people of accomplishment rarely sat back and let things happen to them. They went out and made things happen." - Elinor Smith

Words to live by:

Chinese Proverb: Happiness Quotations
If you want happiness for an hour, take a nap. If you want happiness for a day, go fishing. If you want happiness for a year, inherit a fortune. If you want happiness for a lifetime, help somebody.

"People's behavior makes sense if you think about it in terms of their goals, needs, and motives." - Thomas Mann

"Did you know that the Chinese symbol for 'crisis' includes a symbol which means 'opportunity'? - Jane Revell & Susan Norman

George Carlin's Reflections on Life: (just a few)

I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but going faster is a maniac?

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

PharmaDiversity Featured Employers

Watson Pharmaceuticals